Kris' Story

The Gratitude Journey

My recovery journey began on March 27th. 

After a very dark year, I had decided to take control back and end my own life. That is where my addiction had led me, my mind was completely convinced that my loved ones would be better off without me here. Life was not worth living and I could not fix the mess I had made. By the grace of God my attempt was unsuccessful, and it led me to the hospital, where unbeknownst to me, my recovery journey had begun. When I asked the on-call psychiatrist if I could sign a ‘do not resuscitate' at 33 years old, my stay at the hospital went from voluntary to involuntary, and my recovery journey was beginning whether I wanted it to or not. 

After around the clock care for a couple of weeks, experimenting with all types of medications, at all sorts of doses, the doctors were able to find something that worked for me. I was deemed stable enough to continue my journey and head to detox. I did not want to leave the hospital to go to detox; I feared the unknown. I thought that it was a place where people go to sleep it off and leave the next day to party. I just was not feeling strong enough at that time to be in that type of setting.

This is where Nick comes in, he was my roommate at the hospital for a night and he had told me about Pastew Place Detox Centre in Fort McMurray. He told me what I could be expecting when I got there, when he mentioned a surf ‘n turf dinner, I was sold. Seventeen days of hospital food had gotten the best of me. The day after Nick went there, I went there. I found out soon after getting there that I’d been accepted into the Fort McMurray treatment centre, and I’d be leaving detox in about a week to go there. I committed to that, and now looking back, that is exactly what I needed, to be in a centre where I had little access to the outside world. My obsession was overpowering my will, and I just could not be left to my own devices at the time. Nick took full advantage of his week with me in detox to tell me about this place in Calgary called Simon House. It had changed his life and he thought it could do the same for me. I liked the idea of continuing treatment in a more transitional setting, and I would have a few friends when I got there, Nick, Justin, Brandon, and Kris. I got myself on the waiting list and it turned out that it was likely I would be accepted soon after graduating from Fort McMurray Recovery Centre. The timing matched perfectly, which I saw as a sign from my Higher Power. I graduated from FMRC on May 19, and the same day flew to Calgary and started my treatment at Simon House.

When Mark and I pulled up to Simon House, the first two people I saw were Brandon and Justin, two of my detox buddies. I heard Justin yell out, “Brandon, John Krasinski is here!” They realized during my first day at detox, that I looked like the guy from ‘The Office’ and my nickname became “Krisinski.” 

Russ and Doyle are intake coordinators at Simon House. I was their first intake, and they took the most awful picture of me I have ever seen and brought me up to my room. I remember feeling so overwhelmed thinking to myself “60 fucking people? How the fuck am I going to deal with this?” That ended up being exactly what I needed; I was so fearful of people, because I’ve been hurt in the past, that I had blocked interactions with people entirely. This process has shown me that I can trust people, it restored my sense of faith that there is good in people.

 I remember genuinely wanting to die, today I am hopeful and making plans for the future.  I am no longer afraid to face the traumas that I was burying so heavily before. I’m ready and willing to dig deep and rip these Band-Aids off. I am ready to be held accountable for my actions, to start correcting these character defects and defense mechanisms that used to serve and protect me, but no longer do. I now know it is ok to let them go. 

This is my third recovery attempt, but something feels different this time. I feel an undeniable connection to the Higher Power that I had always denied before. There was no denying it this time, my Higher Power would send me signs so strong that it would knock the wind out of me. 

For starters, shortly after I got here, I was out for one of my regular hikes and I got really hot, so I thought it would be a good idea to go dunk my head in the river to cool myself down. Which is very out of character for me. I had not done that previously or since that day. When I got down to the river, there was a huge raft with upwards of twenty people, floating past. Loud as hell. Despite all the distractions, all I could see was this tiny ball floating down the river. It was the same ball that my dog Rowen always had by his side. You can spot it in nearly every picture taken of him. It was his favourite toy. When I saw that ball floating down the river, I knew that without a shadow of a doubt that this was a sign from Rowen, that he was still right by my side, and that I was not doing this alone. I jumped in the river and got the ball. How could I not?

I was in disbelief at what had happened, so I called my mom to tell her about it. I was in tears that I could barely speak, and I am sure for a second, the thought went through her mind, “this is it. Kris has officially lost it.” She brought it to my attention that when I was granted a day pass at the last centre I should clean my stuff out of my friend's house that I was living in. This day was already incredibly hard for me. I had a drawer full of drugs and paraphernalia in my room that I really did not want my roommate to see, he was already very hurt that I had been secretly using the entire time as it was, and I did not want to add that to his disappointment. I also did not feel strong enough to be within arms distance of the substance that destroyed my life. When I got into the room, an unexpected shift came over me. I took the drawer right out of the dresser and fucking heaved everything in it right into a garbage bag with so much assurance that I was doing exactly what I needed to do. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, in that moment. My mother later told me “I am not sure if you were aware or not, but the day you did that was Rowen’s birthday, May 13th. He has been by your side through this whole thing.” I was not aware.

About halfway into my journey at Simon House, I was at a crossroads. I was struggling with whether I wanted recovery. The easier thing would have been to go back to what I know. These thoughts were at a peak the day Lane and I had just finished a meeting downtown. There was a group of people using right behind us at the bus stop we were at. The obsession in my mind completely took over, I was thinking of ways I could get away from Lane. I was coming up with ways that I could get away with using and not being caught. My addiction had just completely taken over my mind, and I was very close to a relapse. Lane, I think, knew there was something happening with me, and he was trying to ground me, but his efforts were not getting through to me. I knew what I wanted, and I was going to get it, or so I thought. Just before I got off the bench to give in to my illness, I heard one of the guy’s pipes hit the ground. The people beside him did not notice yet, but from the other side of the courtyard, I heard it like a church bell being rung directly in my ear. I turned around and watched him fall face first, he was overdosing. We got that man some help, thankfully he ended up being okay. I truly believe that my Higher Power put me in that situation to show me that I do not have another relapse in me. If I give in, I am not coming back from this one. The two minutes of euphoria that I am craving so badly could take my life. That was the day my obsession finally began to ease, the cravings subsided. I started to remember addiction for what it actually was, and not glorifying it into something it really was not. 

I was also starting to realize that subtlety was not one of my Higher Power’s strong suits. If I am having moments of doubt, He is quick and blunt about throat punching me back into reality. That is exactly what I need. 

The signs from my Higher Power have been strong. Even down to the shirt on my back. I had been stressing the last few days about what I would wear for my Simon House graduation. I ended up stumbling across a particular shirt at Goodwill, and what is funny about that is that I already own this exact shirt. I wore it to one of my friend’s weddings in July 2013, almost exactly ten years ago. This friend and I had drifted apart over the years; we were just living two different lifestyles. She recently came back into my life. While she was visiting someone in the hospital, we ran into each other. We picked up right where we had left off. I had told her about where my addiction had led me, and with no hesitation or judgment, she brought me right back into her life, with her arms wide open. She has been a pillar for me during this journey, and we will be reconnecting once I get back to Fort McMurray. 

Some thank yous are in order. I did not do this on my own. 

First, I want to give a shout out to Group B at Simon House. The vibe in this group, especially in group therapy, was always on another level. I remember one day when I had been going through a tough time, I let myself be vulnerable enough to share what I was going through with the group. The reaction I got from everyone was so unexpected, I received an outpour of so much love and support from the brothers. They rallied behind me that day and made it known that they had my back. It brought me to tears and eventually I had to ask them to stop telling me how amazing I am, because it was getting to my head. The guys have helped me more than ever. Feeling heard, validated and supported by a bunch of brothers was something I was lacking before, and I never knew I needed it. The brothers were a part of restoring my ability to trust people, and I just want to give thanks for that. 

I want to thank all the staff at Simon House. What you have done for me is immeasurable. You are saving people's lives and helping them rewrite their story, and there is so much power in that. I respect the hell out of all of you. From Tim’s Recovery classes, to the casual conversations that turned into life altering therapy sessions, to Kelda in the doctor's office, to Chef John in the boardroom, to Crystal when I was looking for someone else and found myself sitting with you instead, to Lee and our talks on the bench. Just to name a few. You all had an impact on me, your trustworthy auras made it easy for me to be vulnerable enough to tell you things about myself that I buried long ago, and you helped me begin the healing process that saved my life. The only way to truly express my gratitude is to take what you have given me and pass it along.That is what I intend to do. 

A special thank you to Makayla, my recovery coach. I gravitated to you quickly after arriving. If I had a question or a concern, you had an answer or a solution, and if you did not, you found one. When our work together began, I came to you with a grocery list of things that I had to get done while I was here, in our last meeting together you asked, “is there anything else?” And I said “no.” You got a big smile on your face and said, “well you must’ve been working your ass off while you were here, if you got all of that done,” it made me take a step back and be proud of myself for a moment. I want to thank you for rooting for me, always being available for me, being an ear for me and advocating for me behind the scenes. Your commitment to my recovery did not go unnoticed, and I want you to know how grateful I am that I met you.  

Lastly but most definitely not least, my counselor, Jeremy. I had a rough time about halfway through my time here and decided to leave. I knew soon after that I made a mistake, and came back, but I was still not fully committed to staying. Jeremy, however, was fully committed to me staying and was willing to use whatever he had in his artillery to get me to stay. He made a commitment to me, and I did not make it easy for him to follow through with it. I was completely shut down. He could not break through my walls that were sky high at this point. This did not deter him; he came in and out of my room for an entire day, and eventually out of frustration he said, “Kris I’m trying to find an angle here, but you’re not giving me a way in at all.” Little did either of us know, the only angle he had was his unwillingness to give up on me. I never had that before. When those walls finally came down, our work together had truly begun. I was open and willing to do whatever I had to. I had to correct these defense mechanisms, thinking patterns and behaviours, that were doing nothing but hurting me and everyone who cared about me. I cannot thank you enough, our conversations were not easy, but they were necessary. I look forward to continuing our work together after this. 

To end this off I just want to leave a message for all the brothers, especially to the guys that just got to Simon House. You will have those days where you are itchy, bitchy and twitchy. Everyone here will be pissing you off, and all you will want to do is leave. I had a few of those days, but by the end of my Simon House experience, I do not remember any of those moments. What you do remember are those moments you have with your brothers, where you find yourself belly laughing, the first time you genuinely laughed in a very long time. When you find yourself smiling without having to force it. The times you allow yourself to be vulnerable with people that you just met a couple of weeks before. You share what weighs heavy on your heart, because you feel a sense of trust in these people. Those will be the memories you will look back on. You will look back on this experience with so much fondness.

If any of you do find yourself in the same situation as me, where I left, and immediately regret my decision. Do not let your ego get in the way of saving your own life. Do not be ashamed of coming back. I want you to know that all embarrassment subsides when you walk through those doors with your suitcase in hand. I was greeted by Gwen, Doyle and Natasha who welcomed me back with the biggest smiles and some of the best hugs I have had in a while. Recovery is not linear; you are going to have difficulties, but just ride the wave and give yourself the chance at the life you deserve. 

I want to dedicate my certificate to my dear friend, Samantha Keenan. She lost her battle to addiction on December 13, 2021. Rowen had passed just a few days before, and I know he was waiting at the gates for her, to love and protect her up there. She was an amazing person; I just wish that she could have seen herself through my eyes. This is for you Sammy, I love you.

-Kris Cudmore