Clayton's Story

An Empty Flat Field and a Cold Northern Wind

Growing up brought many joyful and unforgettable moments; I grew up on a beautiful farm with a younger brother, younger sister and a little dog I named ‘Buddy’. Our farm was vast and filled with almost every animal a farm could have. I will never forget waking up in the early hours of the morning to go feed all the little animals, and make sure they were all healthy and happy; something about all that brought me a great sense of purpose in life. My mom worked tirelessly to manage the farm. It was a lot of work to keep the kids and animals happy, but she always maintained a genuine smile. My dad was a kind and quiet person, working long hours away from home in the film industry. My dad was rarely home; but when he was, he would spoil us with a lot of materialistic things, that at the time, only made me forget how much I missed him when he was gone. My brother and I received our first electric 4x4 car at four years old. We drove those things daily until they just fell apart. Life was exhilarating and full of endless things to do. 

It was finally that point in my life to start attending school-I never wanted to leave the farm. Just before starting Elementary school, my brother and I received our first dirt bikes; riding them long hours every day and giving up horseback riding from that day forward. I never would have thought that those would be the last happy memories of my childhood.

Elementary school is supposed to be an exciting time in a child’s life, but it was the opposite for me. I always felt like an invisible child in the room. Going home and hiding in my room from my mother was almost a daily occurrence because growing up I thought showing emotion was a weak thing to do. I acted out all the time, seeking attention in hopes my dad would come home, but he never did. 

In Junior High things got worse. Bullying became violent. At this point I was plagued with horrible acne. Endless name calling and being shoved into lockers became a normal way of life for me, however, I had a farm and dirt bike to go home to. As long as I could get through the school hours, I was free again. I discovered a passion for instruments. Playing the trumpet led me to first class and solo parts in concerts. This was the first time I thought that I might be good at something in life. But that was cut short. A kid playing the tuba behind me constantly hit me in the back of my head with his instrument. We got into a big fight, and I was suspended from school. I never wanted to play another instrument again. The bullying continued until grade nine which would forever transform my life.

I met a group of kids smoking in the parking lot, then I started to experiment with drinking. Finally, I felt accepted! Socializing became effortless with the help of alcohol and with these new friends. Drinking and smoking was all we ever did. I started getting into trouble with school but nothing too serious. I was just experimenting after all. On my 16th birthday I received my drivers’ licence; my dad was there to present me with a custom 87 Chevrolet Sierra. I remember this cold fall day all too clearly; I was with my cousin and we were leaving the movie theater, walking to our vehicles. I heard a voice behind me yelling, “hey come here.” I turned around noticing a black Dodge Ram with two people inside. I walked over and they asked if I had ever done ketamine. “No,” I answered. They put a small amount on my hand, and I snorted it. Instantly those feelings of being weak, insecure, small, rejected and judged all disappeared. I was on top of the world! Immediately, and without hesitation, I asked if I could join them. I knew these people were no good, but I got in the car, and we left. After a time, the driver pulled over and they told me to hop out with them. Whipping out their police baton, they started to chase someone. They broke his legs and stole his backpack. I later found out they were chasing him because he was carrying 1500 ecstasy pills. We drove to a hotel and stayed there for six days straight with no food-just water and loads of drugs. I finally decided to drive myself to school after not sleeping for nearly a week. I walked into the doors of the school, and they called an ambulance immediately after looking at me. When I left the hospital and returned to school, I was surprised to find out I was the talk of the town. People actually cared when they asked if I was okay. I started selling ecstasy in school shortly after. It didn’t last long until I was expelled from school. The only thing I cared about was drugs and the people who came along with it because we finally had something in common.

One day as I snuck into my parent’s room to steal cash from my mom’s wallet, I found her prescription of oxycontin (for her back pain). I knew nothing about them but I was willing to try anything. I snorted my first pill at the age of 16 and was addicted to opiates from that day on. I remember her trying to hide them but never far enough out of my reach. She never confronted me about them, as I was very violent at this stage of my life.

Addiction is like dimming down the bright and vibrant sun then replacing it with an empty flat field and a cold northern wind. The only thing that you have is yourself and the drugs.

As I got deeper into addiction, my friends worsened. I started selling drugs on a daily basis and pushed away my family completely. As I was out with friends one day (after stealing two 40oz bottles of booze) I decided to show off. I took a total of 37 ecstasy tablets that day, followed by chugging roughly 60 ounces of rum; the last thing I remember is walking on top of a car. I woke up strapped into a hospital bed with handcuffs and hoses out of every part of my body. I had overdosed and got alcohol poisoning which caused me to start convulsing on the ground. When the ambulance arrived, I was unresponsive. They revived me with the defibrillator and cuffed me into the hospital bed, so I didn’t fall out when convulsing.

Attending a house party, at 21, I was selling drugs to everybody there and having a great time. I met a girl and fell in love. This was the first time I got a glimpse of that bright sun again. Unfortunately, we both carried our addictions into the relationship; it wasn’t until I got her hooked on heroin that things got a lot worse. Everything we did in our relationship was controlled by drugs, but it never stopped me from believing that I loved this woman; besides, it was the only real thing I had in life to hang onto. We were in the throes of addiction when we found out she was pregnant. Instantly, I was determined to sober up and be the best dad I could be. I tried everything, but nothing worked. Addiction had a strong grip on my life-I was too afraid to look at my past. 

December 19, 2012: I was out selling crack while my girlfriend was at home 38 weeks pregnant. I was on my way to drop off a young woman at her house and the last thing I remember is waking up in a ditch with police, and firemen trying to wake me up. From what the young woman told me, I overdosed on crack-foaming from the mouth. When I overdosed, I pressed down on the pedal and ran head on into a ditch. When I awoke from the aftermath, the first thing I could think of was the huge amount of pre-weighed bags of crack-cocaine I had in the car along with 3 scales. Disoriented, I ran out of the car with the bags of drugs and tried to throw them over the fence (realizing afterwards everybody was watching me). I lost consciousness again and woke up in the hospital. My mom came in that morning telling me my son was born that night. I felt like a failure; just a worthless drug addict. I was charged with drug trafficking and my fourth impaired driving charge at that time. I was convinced that I would always be a drug addict; any bit of hope I had was completely lost at that point. 

The worst thing about addiction is when you think you’ve hit bottom it gets even worse-a lot worse. Shortly after the incident I was introduced to methamphetamine and fentanyl. I was hooked instantly. This led me to a new group of people who had an expertise in fraud, break and enters, vehicle theft, large scale drug trafficking and much more. I soon partook in these criminal activities and I was always on the run from the police. I would stay up for 6 days then sleep for 2 days straight. I almost burned my house down after nodding off when the grease in a pot caught on fire. As the smoke detector screamed, I awoke and grabbed the pot with its flames shooting up to the ceiling and threw that deadly inferno outside. I was hospitalized with severe burns on my arms and hands. This chaos went on four more years, bringing along four drug overdoses and no signs of ever wanting to quit. Besides, I knew I was going to die a drug addict anyway. I had no more family or friends I could trust, so it was just myself and the drugs.

I was so fed up with feeling isolated and trapped, I dropped to my knees and started to cry and scream at the top of my lungs, “I’M DONE, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. PLEASE SAVE ME”!!!!!!!

September 2, 2015: I was riding to my probation meeting on a street bike I had stolen a few nights earlier (without a licence), I was riding down the road doing cat walks in and out of traffic, because who cares, I’m invincible anyway. A cop put his sirens on and began the pursuit. It didn’t deter me since I’ve already evaded many officers in a car, and this is a street bike. I pulled the throttle and took off. I lost him after blowing through a red light; I drove for about 5 more minutes to make sure he was gone. I pulled in behind a tire shop to ditch the bike and hide. As I pulled off my helmet, I heard a helicopter above. Moments later I was swarmed by police then, held at gunpoint as I got on the ground. I’m sharing this moment because something happened that was profound and I will always remember it clear as day. When they arrested me, I didn’t care about the drugs, stolen bike, license or evading police. As they put me in the back of the cruiser, I heard a voice say to me, “Everything will be okay, just trust”. I felt the weight of the world lifting. It’s something I will never be able to explain.

Lonely, scared and dope sick, lying there on what seemed to be a concrete cinder block in a white suicide vest with nothing more than a yoga mattress for a bed-no pillows or blankets, I leaned over a cold steel toilet puking for hours straight. I was alone shivering and with no one to talk to. After 3 weeks I was cleared to move to the gang unit; this time was different. I peered out of my cell and looked around at everyone “reuniting” with their accomplices and I asked myself, “is this what I want in life?” When it came time to see a councillor, I broke down and told her I didn’t want to keep living this way. I was alone, afraid and willing to do anything. She told me about a new treatment program the jail offered. I was looking at federal time, so why not give it a shot. I was granted the interview with the coordinator of the program, but unfortunately, she said my charges were too severe. One day, to my surprise, I heard the intercom say, “pack up your stuff, we are moving you.” I got in!!!! I spent 3 months in the program and was granted one last shot at life by the Judge, under the conditions I would go directly to a treatment center where I would have to demonstrate exemplary behaviour. 

I felt like that scared child again, alone and broken. I couldn’t even imagine a life sober, but I knew I wouldn’t survive if I continued to live like this. After many previous failed attempts of treatment, I knew that this time I needed to be completely honest and willing to listen to everything exactly as I was told. Under no circumstances would I do anything my way. Simon House has a 12-step program with a no strike policy, but most importantly, it is filled with people struggling with the same things as me. I learned just how selfish and self centered I really was. Becoming selfless and humble was a huge milestone. Doing the steps, along with many other great things there, those completely changed the way I thought about the world. This is what it means to live sober! 

After the 90-day program ended, I decided to stay longer, allowing me to reintegrate with society while having the support of the house. Finding a job was very difficult. I had no skills, nor did I have any idea where to start. I walked for many hours each day handing out resumes with no luck. The feelings of hopelessness and not being good enough flooded back. Simon House helped me to figure out my interests. As a child, I always loved to tinker and fix things. I looked back to being six years old-helping grandpa fix the tractor and driving it around with a huge smile on my face. 

The next day I ventured off and applied to all the mechanical and autobody shops I could find. Nearing the end of a day, I walked into an auto body shop and much to my surprise they gave me a shot!!!! I discovered that it didn’t matter if I had any experience in this area yet, all I needed was to demonstrate loyalty and a willingness to work hard and learn.

Apprenticing has been one of the best things I’ve done in my recovery. It has given me a great sense of purpose and is the first notable achievement of my life (outside of recovery). I wake up every morning praying, where I ask for guidance and strength to help me to be the best version of myself. Every day, I am excited to go to work because I continuously learn so much. My efforts have allowed me to rise above and grow rapidly in the trade. 

I was scared to start my first year of school later, learning, to my surprise, I was great at it. My grades were the highest in my life. I realized I wasn’t stupid, I was just a lost child with so many obstacles that prevented me from reaching my potential. The Auto Body Trade was a gateway to a better life where I could realize my abilities. 

My first employer limited my potential for growth and learning. I made the best decision for myself and left without hesitation. My goal in the trades is to teach and help others become successful. In the meantime, I will continue to strive for excellence at this stage of my journey. I have so much gratitude towards the industry, for giving me a shot when I had no experience, and to my instructors that have shown me dedication and hope in this trade. 

Since the moment I surrendered, my life has been an uphill climb. There have been accolades that make the battle worthwhile, such as meeting the most wonderful and caring woman on a rafting trip, getting married 2 years afterwards and having a beautiful child. I have since reunited with my family and gained new friends I can count on and trust. I have moved my way up quickly in the industry, while standing up for women in the trades. I am the top student of my class every year, helping others out along the way. 

I never in a million of years would have thought my life would turn out the way it has. From thinking I would die an addict to becoming a husband, father and role model to others is the true meaning to life. Getting sober doesn’t mean life is easy, but what it has taught me is to never be afraid, and think of others before myself, and see every challenge as an opportunity to grow. 

-Clayton McCoy