Mike's Story

It all started for me at the age of sixteen, my friend had a bag of weed he got from his brother. All my friends were excited to try it... me not so much. I remember running around my friend’s house spraying Axe deodorant, because I did not want to get caught. I only had one little drag on it, I did not think it was very good weed because I didn't really feel anything, but that was the start of a life of drugs. That day on, everything changed.

In school, I would skip class to smoke weed all day. I would go to school in the morning to meet up with my friends. Some of my friends would go to class, but others would not. I was one that would not. Instead, I would hang out with my friends that weren't going to class and go to their house, smoke weed and plan drinking parties for the weekends. I was the only one who could drive at the time, so I made lots of friends that way. I was also going bald, so I could walk into a liquor store and just buy alcohol and never get ID'd, so I made friends that way as well. That was my whole high school life.

Drinking and smoking weed was what I lived for. All ambition to finish high school and get a job was out of the window. My only ambition was to make money by selling drugs. By the time I was eighteen I was still taking grade eleven classes. I should have been in grade twelve, but since I did not go to class, I could not move on to the next grade. During that time, I remember vividly sitting in detention trying to figure out how much ecstasy I would need to buy for the following weekend. Looking back now I can see how powerless I was, but it took a long time before I ever realized this, I had a lot more to lose before I did.

After high school I made lots of friends with people older than me. With my only goal to sell drugs and make a living through it, I was attracting people with that same ambition into my life. It did not take long before I was enthralled by it. I remember visiting a house with a friend that I had just met, that is where I met the first girl that I had ever fallen in love with. She was the daughter of Lethbridge's biggest drug dealer. How fitting. Being in their house, I was amazed at how much drugs and money there was. At the time, I thought this was what I wanted, and so I stayed. Eventually I started a relationship with this girl, and we stayed together for almost seven years. During this time together, I was addicted to cocaine, I ran a drug phone and was paid for cocaine and oxy or morphine. I was breaking the law all day, every day and did not think anything of it. The only thing on my mind was how I was going to stay high. I remember houses getting raided, getting arrested every couple of weeks, but nothing ever major. I would always be able to get released on a “promise to appear” for just go down for questioning.

Until one day, I was going outside and looked down the street and saw cops and vans coming from both directions. I ran inside and yelled “cops! We're getting raided!” Before I could escape, they were coming through the door. The raid was over pretty quick. My girlfriend's mom had a lot of traffic charges, so she was taken into custody. All I could think was, “holy shit! This is crazy!” My biggest problem was that I was dope sick. With my girlfriend’s mom in remand, I lost my drug supply for myself and for those I was supplying. I knew that I would have to find new connections because she was going to be in jail for a while.

During this time finding my own drugs, I destroyed my relationship and ended up just jumping from house to house, and relationship to relationship. My life was unmanageable and chaotic, and I was completely powerless, but I still had a lot more to lose before I was able to see that.  That is how my life went for years: doing drugs and jumping from girl to girl, until I met the first person who introduced me to needles. Before doing needles, I had graduated to smoking crack or meth and just smoking oxy or sniffing morphine. The first time I tried a needle I told myself I would only try it once and that is it. After trying it the first time, I then changed it to “I’ll only do it today,” and then it was “I’ll only do it this week.” By the time I had done it for 2 days straight, all those promises I made to myself were out the window. I did not want to stop. This took my drug use to the next level. This was the rush I had been chasing all these years. When I used and would not feel anything, I would be completely numb to everything. This went on for the next five years and took me to some very dark places. All that mattered in my life after that first time using opiates through IV, was how to get drugs or how to get money for drugs. That was all that mattered. It did not matter who I hurt, or who got in the way, or which law I had to break, as long as I was getting high. I lost the freedom of choice in my life. I could not choose what I did day by day. The drug chose for me and if I did not have drugs, I spent my time figuring out how to get some. If I did not have money for those drugs, then I was planning out who to rob, or what to steal to get that money. That is what led my life day by day, for years and years.

I had brief moments of sobriety when I was in jail, or the few times I would go to detox or treatment. It was never for me though. I was never the one who wanted sobriety for myself. I was either doing it for my family, or I would go along with a girlfriend who wanted to get clean. I would never complete the treatment, even if I managed to stay the week in detox and go through hell, the day I got out I already had drugs lined up for me. I knew I had no control; I knew I was a drug addict, but it just had not gotten bad enough for me to want to change. I still had a lot more to lose.

In spring of 2018, my dad was running a car dealership in Victoria BC. I thought it would be a great idea to move away from everyone and everything and just start fresh. I was on board! At the time, I was on methadone and was doing somewhat good. Things were going great in BC until my dad’s business was shut down due to fraud. That meant that his house and business he was running in BC got shut down. I had already been dabbling in drugs for a week or two before that happened. That was just the cherry on top of this tough situation. I had nowhere to go. I did not know anyone there and had no one to rely on. This was when I experienced what it is like to be completely homeless. I lived in that situation for almost 10 months. I can say I am grateful for that experience, because today I use that as my rock bottom, as my “why.” I bounced around from Victoria to Vancouver spending a lot of time walking around. During the winters it rained daily. I only have the clothes on my back, so my feet and body get soaked all day every day. It was at the point when I realized I needed to make a change in my life. I stayed in contact with my mom by calling on the pay phones. At that time, she was having nightmares that she was going to lose me. I had street feet and body rot. I had shingles all down my legs and back. My doctor said he had never seen anything like it before. When I would get on a bus, most people would cover their faces because the smell of my feet was so bad. I went months without taking my shoes off. The only thing that kept me going was the drive to have to steal something and sell it for drugs. Screaming in pain I trudged along not knowing if the next day would be my last, and most of the time I would even pray that the next day would be my last. I could not keep going and I did not want to keep going.

My mom reached out and bought me a bus ticket to see her. I was looking forward to that day, but when that day came, I could not get on the bus because l could not find the ticket. That happened time after time, because I did not have a phone, anyway to judge time or anyway to get directions. Because of the way I looked, when I asked someone for directions, they either look the other way or tell me to get the fuck away from them. It is hard. Finally, the day came, and I was able to make it on the bus. I had a lot of mixed emotions. For one, I was excited I did not have to walk anywhere for the next twelve hours, like I usually do, but I was also full of fear knowing what was coming. I knew I needed treatment, but I was scared. This was a big milestone in my life. I got to my mom’s house and waited for the day that Kerry, the Intake Coordinator, called me and told me I was able to get treatment at Simon House. This was the first time I wanted change in my life, I was excited and nervous. I gave it my best shot, but I was still learning a lot. I was back in the same area where I had used before, so there were a lot of urges and a lot of people I had missed, so it took me back out, but at Simon House I had my first glimpse into the 12-step program. The biggest thing I learned from that was that I had to be open to a higher power, which I had never been before.

Life caught up with me not long after that. The reason I had gone to BC was because I had my dad's support out there, but I was also on the run from some trafficking charges and possession for the purpose out of Medicine Hat. Since I was homeless again in Calgary, it did not take long for me to get caught stealing things. When I would get caught in BC, they would give me a ‘promise to appear” or I would serve a week. However, in Calgary, I had missed a trial and had been on the run for a few years, so there was no getting out of this one. I spent almost a year in remand before I was released. During that time, I had lengthy talks with my mom and my son’s grandmother, who was the one who paid me in cocaine to sell drugs in Lethbridge. She had been sober since the house got raided many years ago. I knew that she had gone through Calgary Drug Treatment Court. That was an idea. I could do that and get another shot at treatment and deal with my charges all at the same time. So, I applied. During this time, the Covid-19 pandemic had just begun, and there were many unknowns. I did not know if I was going to be locked up while the world died from this disease or what was going to happen, but my lawyer came with good news. I was going to be accepted and I could stay at my mom’s until I got into the Drug Court program. Two weeks later, I was in Lethbridge waiting for Peter, the drug court staff, to call. He eventually did call, and while I was waiting at my mom’s house there were lots of temptations. I was pretty much on lockdown, and I owe her a big “thank you,” because I can remember a few times I gave her crazy excuses to leave, like “I was going to go for a walk across town,” or something crazy like that, but she made sure it did not happen. If I had left my mom’s house, I don't know if I would be here today, writing this. May 5, 2020, was my first day at Simon House for the second time but this time I was a drug treatment court client. This time around, I had no outside distractions. I knew I wanted help, and I knew life was not getting any better out there. I was motivated to want to live a good life and knew that I couldn't keep using because “to use was to die.”

My experience in the Calgary Drug Treatment Court Program was a great one. I have heard many stories from different people of having good and negative experiences. For me, it is what you make of it, and I was here for the right reasons. Yes, I was getting out of jail in the beginning, but it was also at the right time in my life for a change. I had already tried treatment for myself, and this was going to be just one more program to help me along the way. Just what I needed. In the beginning, I was nervous and fearful. I was going into the unknown. I was going to be vulnerable to all the things that I tried my whole life to avoid, or that I was numb to, so I did not have to feel these feelings. Everyone I met was so nice and helpful along the way.

The thing that first stuck out for me in CDTC was that if you were honest, you would still face the consequences for your actions, but they would be considerably less than if you had lied to try to get away with something. Even if I did get away with something initially by lying, eventually someone would hear about it, and I would be caught. If I do get away with something then it leads to me to trying to get away with something else, and then something else, and so on. So, I learned quickly that I should be honest from the beginning. I’m not going to be perfect. It is progress not perfection. I have spent my whole life lying, cheating, and keeping secrets and I am going to have to work on it. From my experience, I learned that being honest is by far the better way to live. To have a clean conscience, to not be worried or lose sleep over things that could have been solved with a little honesty, is how I want to live my life. It is a great feeling not worrying about what other people are going to say or if I am going to get caught in a lie, that most times, I did not even need to lie about in the first place.

I also learned about my boundaries and that I like to people please. Saying “yes” when I really want to say “no,” has been an ongoing problem throughout my life. In the beginning of my drug use, had I said “no” instead of “yes,” then maybe my life could have been completely different. However, I am incredibly grateful for the life I now have with a new outlook on life, and I have love for all with no judgement and I don't know if I would have had this life had I not lived the way I did for so long. Today when I don’t want to do something, I am not afraid to say “no.” It is still a work in progress, but I am more capable of sticking up for what I want and what I am comfortable with.

I am so grateful for all the work that Claudia from the CDTC did with me and all our talks on the phone during check-ins. When I had questions, she would always give me an answer and if she did not know the answer, she would get back to me with one, once she did. Even on weekends or evenings she would answer her phone. I am forever thankful for the support she gave me while in the program.

As for Surrender and Pete, they were both great guys to talk to when Claudia was on vacation or in MRT (Moral Reconation Therapy) classes or CAT (Comprehensive Addiction Therapy) with Pete. I had a wonderful experience and I'm super grateful for being held accountable for my actions. I'm also grateful for being called out when I lied or was lying by omission; not blatantly lying, but with holding the truth. It was all not living in God’s will. Claudia was great at keeping me in a straight line. She had everything written down somewhere and could hold you accountable that way. There’s no way of getting anything past her, but that was what I needed. When I spent my whole life lying and trying to sneak the truth around or hide it, I needed someone like her to change that behaviour. Today I have an honest behaviour and it did not come overnight. It was a work in progress and still is, but today my “go to” is to tell the truth instead of a lie, and that is a great feeling. People being able to trust what I say and not second guess me, is a great feeling. Thank you, Claudia.

Another part of CDTC that I'm super grateful for is being able to keep track of everything in my life. All my life I would miss things or forget things. Well, that lasted for about a week or two until I needed to start using a calendar. As a participant in this program, there are many things in a day that I must keep track of like classes coming up, court dates, PO meetings, check-ins, drug tests or MRT classes, and so on. There was no way I could keep track without having some sort of an agenda, and by getting in the habit of doing it in CDTC, I could use that habit out in the real-world. Today when I have meetings for my housing or meetings for work or the Alumni, I'm able to make it to those meetings on time. It does not seem like a big thing for most people, but for me, making it to things on the right day and time is huge, and it is just another thing in my life that has changed.

The biggest thing that I want to thank CDTC for is this opportunity, I will remember my time here for the rest of my life. My life has done a complete 180° from when I first came into this program. I came in scared, with a big ego. I used to be the enforcer and act tough when I was just this scared little boy inside. Today I can be who God wants me to be or what I think His will is for me; to be an honest caring, loving human being, to have no judgment, to not hate on people, or to not act like someone I'm not just so the people around me will accept me. Today I can be full of love and not be afraid to show my true feelings. To be able to help someone when they are down, instead of making fun or pushing someone down even further, today I can help them up and show them that they can live this way too. They can stand on their own two legs, proud of who they are and their story, they too can help someone else up. I am so grateful for so many things today. Today I have the freedom to choose what I do during the day, whereas before, my choices were between which store was I going to steal from, or who I was going to rob to get drugs. Today I can be a part of my family's lives and have friends who I actually care about, not for what I can get out of them, but for who they are, as people. I genuinely want to see them succeed, just as much as I want to succeed. I never thought this life was possible, but CDTC and Simon House gave me a chance and helped me along the way. They showed me that it is possible to live another way. It is not easy, but nothing good comes easy. If it were easy, everyone would be sober, and no one would be in jail. You have to work for sobriety, and I have

to work for it every day. By helping others, by being honest and communicating what I am going through, I am living a great life, and it is so amazing.

Today I have goals for the future. I have goals to have my own place. I have goals to become a sponsor to other guys. I have goals of going on fishing trips with my friends, to hike mountains and go camping on those mountains. I have goals to make amends to all the people I hurt in my addiction and to never hurt people that way again. I have goals to be an active member in my family, to bring love to my family, instead of taking from my family now it's what can I give to my family. I have goals to be reliable in my work and be the best employee I can be. I have goals to go on trips and spend time with people in my life and see the world and how other communities, religions and nations live. Today I have the biggest goal of being the best human I can be on this planet and always be there if someone reaches out for my help.

Day after day I always want to be there to take guys from the dark to the light, to show them that they can beat this disease and live a wonderful and great life. I owe all this to CDTC and Simon House, for giving me the opportunity and believing that I can change. Thank you Claudia, Pete, Surrender, Ramona, Mitch, my lawyers, the crowns, the judges, the CPS Officers and anyone else involved in the Calgary Drug Treatment Program, you have helped me change my life and have given me the tools I need to live successfully and be a productive member of society today and for the future. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom to the top of my heart, thank you.

Dear Mom

This is my commitment letter to you, to show you that I am committed to my recovery and my sobriety. So much is different this time around and I feel that I have grown into a person I never thought possible. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could live the life I live today. Today I have my supports in recovery, my friends, my sponsors, and you, my family. Finishing Drug Treatment Court is the next step in my recovery journey, but I get to take with me all the things I learned and all the things other people in the program learned that I was able to witness and in turn learn from. Instead of only learning from my mistakes, I was able to learn from the entire group's, that is a great part of sitting through everyone else's court, learning as a group. I am going to stay connected and continue to learn. The point where I think I know it all, and don't need to continue to grow in recovery, and learn in recovery, is when I'm getting into dangerous waters. If for some reason this happens, and I do relapse I would like for you to immediately cut me out of your life. We can still talk but don’t support me, don't help me, because I will just be using you to feed my addiction. I need it to get bad and get bad fast. The sooner I can lose everything, the sooner I will get back on track. In recent relapses it doesn't take long. In a day or two and I have lost everything I have worked so hard for. I wouldn't see this being any different, considering I have a progressive and fatal disease progress, even when I'm not using, it is still progressing. That has been my experience. When I do reach out for help to get back on track, you could help me get back into a treatment center, whether it be a ride there or allow me to use your phone for daily check-ins, you've always been there for me, so I pray that heaven forbid this happens, you are still there when I want to get back on track. I have no doubt, if I keep doing what I am doing I will not ever have to experience that.

I will continue to sponsor and take guys through the book “Alcoholics Anonymous,” and through the 12 steps. I will continue to keep a conscious contact with my higher power and live in God’s will, instead of my will. I will watch out for my character defects or when I act out.

I will do my step 10's daily, and when I owe an amends I will do it immediately. Honesty, honesty, honesty, I will continue to be honest. I will be active in the Simon House Alumni and hold my vice chair position. I'm so grateful for you and all those times I didn't want to keep going, all those times calling you from a pay phone, crying in pain because my feet hurt so much and not wanting to go on but you gave me hope. You were always there for me, when I reached out. You always had hope for me, when I had none for myself. Today I have hope. Today I want to live.

Today I'm full of love and I'm so grateful for you because had you not had hope for me, I would not be here today. I look forward for what the future holds and I'm so lucky and so grateful to have such an awesome person in my life. Thank you for always being there for me. Through the good times and through the worst times, you were always there. Love you so much!

Love your son, 

Mike