Colton's Story

I started drinking when I was in junior high. Back then I never would have thought those first few drinks would lead me down such a dark path of addiction. I thought it was normal behaviour, a way to escape. Alcohol gave me a confidence boost, I had struggled with identity and self-esteem issues, but drinking seemed to make them disappear. When I finally came to terms with my gender identity and started to transition from female to male, I thought all my problems would go away now that I had figured out what was “wrong with me”. I didn’t think about how the changes would affect me and my relationships with those around me. I thought I was finally happy as Colton, and I believed that being happy meant I had to get rid of every part of my female self. Coming out as transgender; my girlfriend left me, some friends stopped talking to me, my family struggled with using my new pronouns and name. I got a lot of hate I wasn’t prepared for, and I turned to partying.

I quickly found out that cocaine was my favourite of the drugs I had tried. It started as just a weekend activity when going out with friends, but soon, even when I would “pitch-in” on the bag the group was getting, I would also buy my own secret stash. I was using on weeknights and then during the workday. I would stay up for 2-3 days straight. Crash and do it again. I had met my ex-fiancé during this time and somehow hid it from them even though we would use together but they had no idea of the amount that I was doing. I ended up moving back to my dad's house in Medicine Hat, thinking that it would help me stop using as much and for a while it did. Until I found out my that sister and brother-in-law also used cocaine and then we were off to the races. This went on for years. I was finding it harder and harder to hold down a job. Even when I started helping a friend with selling, I’d end up owing money as I’d use the product instead of selling it. Eventually, my partner of 4 years had enough and called off our engagement, and a couple of months later I found myself sitting in my first detox centre.

The first time I agreed to go to treatment I managed to stay sober for 2 years before I was kicked out. The day after my 2-year mark, I made the decision to use again. I picked up right where I left off, and I didn’t stop for another year and a half. I was evicted and found myself with no choice but to tell everyone what I had been doing. This time, I was given the opportunity to go to Simon House. I was terrified as this was a men's only facility and I wasn’t overly comfortable as a queer transman, so I kept it quiet and just tried to fit in. I didn’t realize at the time how much that would hurt me, suppressing something I fought so hard for. It was the first time I had put myself in “the closet” in over 8 years. I graduated from the program, left Simon House, and within two weeks I was using.

Less than 4 months later, I found myself back at the doors of Simon House. This time, I was going to go in with a different attitude and I was going to be honest with myself about everything. Being honest about what I needed in my recovery, and my transition has been the best decision and now I have opportunities to help others like myself and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

-Colton