Understanding Our Personal Value System
The other day I spoke with a friend who assists in Simon House’s Indigenous programming. He reminded me of the statement, “Just because you have the right to do something doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.” This is a powerful, ethical statement that, at least to me, is equal in weight to the shared belief that, “We find out who a person truly is when we know what they do, or how they behave when no one is watching.”
All day long, we react to our environment. So, our entire day is full of “behaviour choices.” We can’t avoid this. We react to the things that confront us. We can get mad when someone cuts in front of us in the food line. Or we can smile and say to ourselves that it is no big deal. We can behave in selfish ways, or we can behave in caring ways. And not everyone reacts to a situation or circumstance exactly the same. We know that our reaction is a compilation of our respective thoughts, upbringing, attitude and worldview.
A famous person once said, “Don’t tell me your values. Show me your budget, and I’ll tell you your values.” Are you spending your money on alcohol or drugs? That’s what you value. Are you paying your child support regularly? That shows what you value. Are you faithfully attending AA or NA meetings? That’s what you value. So, we could change that quote to, “Don’t tell me your values. Show me your behaviour, and I’ll tell you your values.”
As we work to heal from our addiction, strive to be good people, and try to change our values to positive ones, there are some questions we can ask ourselves to assist the healing journey. They are:
Why did I act that way? What triggered me to respond in a way that caused me even more pain?
Why do I think this way? Can I assess the experiences behind my thoughts so I understand my behaviour?
Why did I make that choice? Was it the only thing I could have done, or can I think of an alternative I could use next time?
Who (or what) was influencing my values? Do I need dysfunctional people around me? Can I surround myself with healthy people so I can make good choices?
When we ask questions like these, a much clearer understanding of our values will emerge. When we understand our values and what lies behind them, it will be much easier to make better decisions in the future.
Dr. John R.
— President & CEO