Riaz's Story

Diversity & Inclusion

My name is Riaz. I am an addict. I am a Muslim Canadian brought up in Canada.

My parents are from Kenya, and I have one older brother and one older sister. My parents adopted me when I was five years old from India. I do not remember my childhood up to the age of 8 or 9. When my parents told me at a young age that I was adopted, I rebelled like any other young child did. I ran away lots, I stole money and smokes from my dad’s dollar store. As I think about it now, at the time I felt that no one loved me and I always questioned why my real parents gave me up. Now that I am an adult, I believe the answer could be that they could not support me during that time of their lives and had to give me up for adoption. My current parents, as I know them, do love me unconditionally. As a child I believe I suffered severe PTSD, and abandonment trauma. I also experienced some molestation from my cousin. All these factors may have contributed to my addiction and going to my many rock bottoms.

Growing up in my household, my parents were hardworking, and we went to “Khana,” the place of worship for Shia Ismaili Muslims. We went to Khana regularly, but as the youngest child, I never used to be able to connect with my faith as strongly as my parents did. As a rebellious kid I did a lot of things I was not supposed to, like smoking and eating pork. Those were values I was going against, and I would hide them from my parents. I also hung out with the “bad apple” friends. These friends got me into trouble with my parents. I was forbidden to interact with them, but I still connected with them because I felt appreciated, and it was cool to hang with them.

As a young child and into my teens, I was moved to many schools. I struggled with many subjects like English and Math. My parents even tried to put me into a boarding school, but I was not accepted because of my learning aptitude. I also was put through a Lutheran school where they taught the Bible. I was not against it, but I also got into a lot of fights with some students who would bully me. Eventually, my parents moved to Strathmore and put me through the public educational system there. It was a different environment than the city schools. My experience with high school was good, but I butted heads with my dad a lot while living with him and helping my parents with the dollar store. I had some freedom while living in Strathmore. As I was finishing high school, I had a keen interest in many sports, such as basketball. I also loved art class. I noticed I was particularly good with my hands while building little projects with my dad. I then became interested in being a chef because of my first job at “The Station,” a restaurant in Strathmore. In the Winter of 2004, I entered university at SAIT for the professional cooking program. I was living on my own for the very first time and I was drinking and partying a lot. It was the norm for everyone in that industry. I even worked at many restaurants in my twenties where alcohol and drugs were prominent. 

I had my first experience with cocaine when I moved in with a co-worker. At first, it was the greatest feeling I had ever experienced. I was still in college at the time, but I eventually dropped out because I was drinking and partying all the time. After a few years working in restaurants, I decided I needed to have a change. So, I tried a trade as a sheet metal worker. I spent a few years in that trade, I found a girlfriend, and I was in love with her, and I even had that “car.” Life was great. Little by little my alcoholism and drug addiction began to control me, and I did not care about losing my job or spending time with my family. My girlfriend then decided to move to Medicine Hat, so I moved there as well, because we were still together at the time. As I was moving a lot, I was starting to lose interest in my girlfriend and where she wanted to settle down. I was not ready to commit to a long-term relationship, even though we were together for two years. I broke up with her and it was the most pain I have ever experienced, but I knew I was not happy, and my alcoholism was just at the tip of the iceberg. 

I moved back and forth between Calgary and Medicine Hat over three times, when eventually I started to deal with my debts. I also decided to move back with my sister who was getting a new house built. I had finally gotten out of my depression from my relationship and back to work. I went back to the hospitality industry and was working hard. I was taking trips to Las Vegas and New York for self-care. Over the years I stayed with my sister, we had a great relationship, but I was drinking and using almost every week. I was bouncing from one trade job to another. I had two relationships over six years.  I eventually started working in snow removal and landscape and found myself hooked on meth through a former schoolmate. After a huge downward spiral, from losing my job and my sister having enough of my behaviour, she kicked me out and I had to find another place to live. I was living with an old friend of mine, but my addiction kept progressing with dire consequences. I was getting high at my jobs and losing the job the next day.  I was lying and stealing from people who I did not know. I was becoming someone who I did not know, that is what meth made me. 

After my living situation came to a head, I moved out and pleaded with my sister to help me out once more, she knew I had a problem with drugs and didn’t know how to help. She gave me a warning and said I needed to seek help for my drug addiction. She let me stay only on the condition that I find a treatment program. My first experience with going to treatment I didn’t want to stop using drugs. I had only gone to treatment for my family. I eventually did tell my mom and dad about my drug problem. They appreciated the honesty, but little did they know that this would not be the last time. I relapsed quite immediately after I finished treatment and was back to using. I became homeless and banned from going to my parents and sister’s house. My mom, sister and brother had seen the seriousness of my addiction, but not my dad. I found myself living at the Calgary Drop-in Centre for a few days and I tried to go to meetings during the day. I was completely hopeless and knew I would die if I did not get help again. So, I did my second attempt at treatment.    

My second attempt at treatment was at Simon House. I heard of this place through my many trips to Renfrew detox facility over six years. However, I had no idea what kind of program Simon House provided. I was interviewed by Ron from Simon house, he asked me a few questions like, “why do you want to stay clean?” and “are you ready to stop running the show?” I answered “yes.” Little did I know, I was still running the show when I was in treatment. I was exposed to 12-step meetings and the Big Book again, got myself a sponsor and a home-group. I went through all the phases of Simon House. After 11 months of sobriety, I decided that it was okay to call my drug dealer and celebrate. I had not learned anything about what it means to be an addict or alcoholic. I was making the same mistakes over and over again. This is called “insanity” in the Big Book, but I had not truthfully read it during my stay. When they say this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful they mean it. I had not completely surrendered myself to this program. I was still living in complete fear. I learned that drugs were not my problem. I could put down the drugs, but it was my thinking that was the root cause.

In total, I have been to treatment 6 times. Why? Because I had not fully accepted step one as it describes in our Alcoholics Anonymous literature. Then comes 11 other steps that require work on my part and that I needed to practice and live each day. I learned that meetings and sponsoring other addicts like me were part of me staying sober. Did I follow the suggestions of my sponsor?  Of course not. I was living in self-will and self-righteousness. These were character defects I had, and I was not willing to let them go and rely on a Higher Power to help me. There were lots of things I did not learn in the early times of my recovery. I had to learn things the hard way. I had to really smash that idea that “I could use drugs like a gentleman.” I know now that I was also grieving drugs, and I had to let go of the poison. 

My life now as the result of accepting the program of AA or any fellowship out there, is that I get to live a fruitful life of gratitude. My family is back in my life. I went back and completed college. That was one fear I had going into it. I have a wonderful job as a Peer Support Worker at a treatment center. I still have a sponsor and I am sponsoring other addicts. I regularly go to meetings as it is a part of my life. I don’t have to go; I want to go. I get to live a life of possibilities if I put in the work. The people I’ve met in treatment and meetings are the most instrumental God-shots and meaning of why I have chosen a new way of living. I do not ever want to live a life filled with sadness and hopelessness. I get to be that “hope” for other addicts like me and give them inspiration that they too can stay sober like I am. I have gone through the same struggles and experiences as many of you. I would like to share a quote, in my own words... “my eyes were closed when I arrived, my mind was open when I stayed.” It took a long time for me to realize that because I was always running away from my Higher Power and myself. It was okay not to be okay; I had a fellowship of friends always around me; I just had to ask for their hand. Now when I think “why did it take me so long to understand this disease?” I now know that it is not about knowing everything, I call it “an experience that only I had to go through.” I was directed the way I was supposed to be directed. I believe in myself, and trust God will be there when I need Him. I hope, to whoever reads this story, that it inspires you to keep going no matter where you are at in your recovery, it is possible for you to get sober, one day at a time.